Always! This tiny revelation came to me one night as I was preparing for a Beth Moore bible study I was to lead. Out of my mouth it burst and my husband looked at me like I had just said the million dollar answer! What I find most captivating with bible study is and I quote from Don Henley, "the more I know the less I understand all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again." For the longest time I was completely fine living under the auspice that Heaven sure sounded like a better option than Hell. Clearly I choose to believe that Christ was my savior, because I wanted to be with my loved ones in the after life- this seemed like the obvious choice. Sure I went to church, listened and read various Christian authors and attempted to read my bible (one of the hardest books to read- if not the hardest in my humble opinion.) However, more I questioned the more confused and frustrated I became. In hind sight it is so clear to me how the enemy works his hardest when he feels his strong hold is losing grip. Does this sound familiar?
Black and White is the way I see things. There is little room for gray in my life. This is one of my biggest stumbling blocks. The Old Testament is LAW- black. Prior to studying the Old Testament with others, I really disliked it; quite frankly I dreaded reading it! To say the least God seemed incredibly harsh! Too much blood and guts for me. The New Testament is LOVE- white. Miracles happen, people are healed, and all this make for a much nicer read! For years I tended to lean toward the Gospels whenever I picked up the bible.
After my children were born I went through a very dry/dark season in my faith. More than ever I believed in the miracle of scripture (I'm not sure how people look at a new born and refuse to see that baby as nothing short of divine intervention) however, due to hormones, exhaustion and babies I was lucky to get through the days.....let alone tackling a clear understanding of my Christian faith. To me this was a cop out and it disgusted me that I couldn't clearly articulate what I believed and way. After participating in a bible study on the Book of 1 John, I became even more convicted. I wasn't living a life that reflected love (I don't mean “love" as in romantic "love".) I mean literally I wasn't living in LOVE nor reflecting LOVE. As I began to peel away the layers I realized Law was continuously trumping Love. NOT GOOD. In the Book of Mark (New Testament) Jesus' first command is "Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Second command- "love your neighbor as you love yourself." YIKES! I was in T.R.O.U.B.L.E!!! My heart was filled with law and void of love.
Changing this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM. I take that back- I continuously prayed that my heart would be changed from the inside out. Slowly it has. Please don't paint me as the perfect picture of love. I AM NOT! Thankfully more often than not, I do question myself asking this: "Am I reflecting law or love?" And it is my continued prayer that the answer would be love.